Why is he so quiet? Kelly Farley breaks the silence of Guys & Grief


After losing two children through miscarriage, Kelly Farley did what he says a lot of men do – he pushed down the pain, immersed himself in his work and focused on supporting his wife.  That worked for a little while.  That is, until it didn’t.

Eventually Kelly found himself barely able to get out of bed, unable to care whether he lost his job, or even if he lived or died.  It was at that point, Kelly says, that he decided to begin counselling.  He notes that this was the turning point when he began to recognize the connection between his grief for his children, Katy and Noah, and the anger, depression and exhaustion that threatened to consume him.

During our interview Kelly explained, “you can close the door on grief but it will come in through the window.”

Since then, Kelly has interviewed almost 1000 dads about child loss.   These conversations formed the basis of his book Grieving Dads: To the Brink & Back (which I highly recommend by the way, listen to the interview to find out why).

There were so many great points that Kelly shared with me during this interview.  Here are a few worth checking out:

  • why men & women grieve differently
  • what stops men from talking to their partners about their loss
  • why we try to “toughen up” to get through child loss & what to do when that doesn’t work
  • how to keep your head above water when you’re drowning in the ocean of grief


So check this out and let me know what you stood out to you most to you.

Better yet, let your partner know!  Watching this together with your guy (or girl) can be a great way to get the conversation flowing.

Possible starting points to ask each other:

  • what parts do you agree with or relate to?
  • what parts don’t you agree with?
  • what’s been one of the most frustrating reactions from friends or family that you’ve had to deal with?
  • what’s been one of the most helpful reactions from friends or family?
  • what’s one thing you wish I understood more about you right now?
  • what do you most respect, appreciate, value about me right now?
  • what do you think I respect, appreciate, value most about you right now?
  • what do you hope life will look like for us 5 years from now?

I hope you are able to use this today to find a little calm in the storm.  And if you found this useful then please share it with a friend to help me on my mission of breaking the silence & isolation of baby loss.

See you next time,


leave a comment